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April 27, 2013
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And then all hell broke loose

Journal Entry: Sat Apr 27, 2013, 5:23 PM
  • Listening to: Caeles x Ciel - LAST BATTLE
  • Reading: My inbox.
  • Watching: I love White Collar~
  • Playing: Recoding/unbugging Dreamtalia. Urgh
  • Eating: Nutella.
  • Drinking: In front of a computer? Are you fuckin kidding me?
It's a story of a girl living in France.

She's an average girl.
She isn't fat but she's not skinny.
She's not ugly but not beautiful either.
Her family isn't unhappy. Her parents are happy. Her sister is happy. Her friends are happy.
She's got so many minor health issues she can't even count them on her fingers.
She doesn't success in school much, doesn't really know what to do with her life, doesn't draw like an artist, she doesn't model like a 3dartist, she isn't even a singer worth paying for.
She speaks a few languages, not perfectly.
She isn't excellent anywhere.
She isn't crappy anywhere either though.
She doesn't deserve the fame and doesn't especially do so bad.
She doesn't make especially excellent works, no matter how hard she tries.
She likes befriending people from all around the world, yet she knows very well she talks too much.
She doesn't like modern fashion and her tastes are random in a lot of things.
She crumbles of terror mixed with bliss when talking to persons she looks up to.
She prefers gaming all weekend rather than going out with her friends.
She's just an average girl.

Yet as plain as her life sounds it slowly sinks into darker events.
Persons around her die.
Her grades are poor.
She realizes she's not happy.
She hates her major with a passion and suddenly wants to change.
Change to become happy.

She looks at new paths, new schools.
She changes her glasses, cuts her hair and loses 2 kilos.
She yearns for something new. She's found something to truly achieve.
She decides to get off her lazy plain life and work.
And then she works.
Her health goes down slowly, her grades get worse and worse, but she doesn't care.
She's somehow happy. She's working to achieve something she wants.
She faints only to get up again and say "I'm okay."
She tells others not to worry.
Everything is shady and unsteady under her feet but she doesn't look.
For once she tries her best.

But the best is never enough.
She fails.
She's rejected.
And her body breaks in the end.
She blames others.
Yet she wishes they'd seen earlier how miserable she's become.
And she blames herself.
And her mind breaks too.
She can't take up anymore and she hates herself.
She hates that average girl.
Who isn't excellent in anything and isn't even able to achieve a single change.
She hates the girl who broke under her own flaws.
She hates that girl that now lies in apathy on a hospital bed, tired and yet smiling and lying "I'm okay."
She hates that smile.
So she breaks it.

She breaks it all.
She lets go.
And she's in chaos. And she's in peace.
She's at the bottom and can't go lower.
So she looks up and then she sees.
The faces of people crying for her.
Crying because they were worried.
The faces of people worried about her.
She sees the hands reaching out to her but she can't grab any of them.
Because she's just a miserable average girl.
A girl who can't achieve even what's she's been hard-working for.
She sits at the bottom of her well and cries along, wishing she was gone.
Then she goes silent because she hears the people crying above.
So she dries her tears, stands up from the bottom.
Her body's getting lighter and she can drag herself higher.
She climbs out towards the people above.
She sees the new paths she could'nt see from above.
And she smiles faintly. She's happy.
She's so happy.
Happy for the care she's receiving.
Happy for the hands reaching out to her help.
But she fakes that smile.
She's so sorry.
Sorry for the tears she sees on others' faces.
Sorry for the girl she left to die in the well.

Her plea of "I'm so sorry. I'll try again."
Dying with and changing into
"I'm alive. I love you too." 
The girl sits from her hospital bed behind her old machine friend
She can't look back, but now's her new chance
And she starts typing
"It's a story of a girl living in France..."


I am coming back home tomorrow. Still alive, health slowly getting better and going to finish that damn school year before quitting all that crap and starting something better.
I did not commit suicide, I'd never ever do that to my family.
I am sorry I can't thank every single one of you enough for all the comments.
I received so much over the past 48hours every single thing is a gift and I treasure them.
I don't believe in God, but bless you all.
Bless you Kyo for showing me so much love. So much love I'm choking.
The girl in the hospital bed is sobbing from all the love.
That dying girl in the well still doesn't think she deserves all of it but...
MERCI.</sub></sub>


Add a Comment:
 
:icondabloodehdemonkitteh:
DaBloodehDemonKitteh Featured By Owner May 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Being broken isn't easy to deal with. Picking up the pieces is very difficult and tedious, but don't give up. Whatever you do, don't give up. You are a wonderfully unique human being, and you deserve every ounce of love you receive. Stay strong and beautiful <3
~DBDK
Reply
:iconpiri-tanyay:
Piri-tanyay Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Excuse me, but you miss, are one of the greatest people I've ever heard of, for I have not ever met you before. All that work that you talk about, has not been overlooked. All these comments here show that even though we are not actually there in person to help you, it still show's that we care. I sit here, being able to relate about academics, health issues, and more. (I have many health issues) Whatever happens, everyone must get up again, though many think that they should stop existing. Even though I don't know you very well, I do know 1 thing. YOU are not that type of person. Here, you have gotten back up and ready to face the world again. Keep doing what you have been doing Pianodream, you are truly a unique, fun, and amazing person.
This poem has always helped me in my saddest and darkest times.

"When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
when the road you're trudging seems all up hill
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
and you want to smile, but you have to sigh
When care is pressing you down a bit,
rest if you must but don't you quit
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
as everyone of us sometimes learns
And many a failure turns about
when he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
you succeed with another blow
Success is failure turned inside out -
the silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
it may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
it's when things seem the worst that you must not quit."
~Anonymous
Reply
:iconcrazyalex1724:
CrazyAlex1724 Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
... Everybody isn't perfect... have my hug :iconhugplz:
Reply
:iconsilencedbook9:
Silencedbook9 Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2013  Student Writer
Need a hug?
Reply
:icontwifairy-noire:
Twifairy-Noire Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Let me just say things like this have never made me cry. No songs, pictures, or books have made me cry, and I have forced myself to cry for the,. I actually cried for this piece. We love you Piano.
Reply
:iconhowlertheevilkitten1:
HowlerTheEvilKitten1 Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You, my dear, are ANYTHING but ordinary
deviantART muro drawing Comment Drawing
Reply
:iconlovegunnermoongoddes:
LoveGunnerMoonGoddes Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2013  Hobbyist Filmographer
"The black sea would still not allow her the courage...
My clothes have been dirtied so, my smile been shamefully warped.
Do I look like I want to get along with anyone? Just leave me alone.
I overflowed with feelings I couldn't voice,
And in the next moment you suddenly vanished.
The uneasy girl, she hurried.
The darkness hid him, kept him alone.
The unfree girl, she put out her hand.
'See? you've been hiding brilliant colors too.'"

- Hatsune Miku's 'Deep-Sea Girl'

I know exactly how you feel hon.

EXACTLY.

No matter how bad it feels hun, it's not as bad as it feels like in the moment. We can't allow anything to stop us from trying.

Here's to wishing eachother luck. :hug:
Reply
:iconleichenpuppe:
Leichenpuppe Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2013  Hobbyist
I'm very sorry if you don't understand everything I'm writing now but I want to give you all of my heart so please forgive me it's in german.

Meine Liebe, ich habe dich leider erst sehr spät entdeckt, aber trotzdem ich bewundere dich für so vieles. Du hast ganz schön viel auf die Beine damit gestellt, alleine dafür, dass du HetaOni auf Englisch übersetzt und mehr oder weniger programmiert hast. Ich habe letzten Sommer ganz oft deine Livestreams als 'Mikazuki' verfolgt, auch als ich in Paris zum Urlaub war und es meinem Vater eigentlich gar nicht gefiel. Ich finde du bist unglaublich talentiert beim Erstellen von MMD Wallpapers. Hast du eine Ahnung wie schnell du da manchmal bist? Als du dann den Stress mit den Model-Machern hattest bist du aufs selber Zeichnen umgestiegen und du hast dich immer mehr und mehr verbessert. Talente lassen sich fördern, du bist so eine nette, großartige Person und auch wenn ich dich nicht persönlich kenne oder wirklich sehr wenig mit dir zu tun habe, ich drücke dir so fest die Daumen, dass alles wieder halbwegs in Ordnung wird, dass du dich erholst und deine Kraft wiederfindest! Schau her, ich bewundere dich und da bin ich nicht alleine mit! Du schaffst das, du bist stark, wir geben dir alle Kraft die du brauchst!

Gute Besserung, alles Gute.

Mit ganz lieben Grüßen aus Hamburg (Deutschland),

Sathi~
Reply
:iconkibbyart99:
KibbyArt99 Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Bro, I'm an average cabbage too!
It may seem boring and depressing, but....all of the people we look up to start out this way!~
They go through the ups and downs, and they change themselves inside and out.
They go through a thing called, 'life and experience'.
It's a thing that everyone goes through, and it makes them the person they are today.~
I mean, look at you!
You are someone I look up to!~ (Oh glob my feels, I'm crying now, DAMN YOU SAD MUSIC)
I hope one day, I could be as good as you in MMD!
Welp, I use a different program called MMM!~ (MikuMikuMoving)
Also, I hope to be able to be well known for mastering it!~
And hell! You're quite more talented at drawing then me!~
I don't know you in RL but you seem like quite an amazing friend!~
I feel down on myself too sometimes, but.....you can only move on and progress in things in life.
Even if you did become suicidal, in which I already know you aren't.
Death is NOT the end.
So yeah, I know I'm just some person you don't know, but I think you're an amazing person!~
Reply
:iconladymora:
LadyMora Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2013
Feel Better!
Reply
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